A lt of times people think that time with take pain and sadness away. In my case, it makes it worse. I’m a dweller and a worrier. I dwell on things that hurt me and I worry them to death.
This morning I crawled in the shower, hoping to wash some of the sadness and hurt away. I expected to the red, black, blue, brown colors run off of my body and into the drain. I didn’t. But I saw how the blistering hot water ran down my cold, broken, vulnerable, naked body and I broke down.
I have been so sad for so long. Which to some may be surprising considering I “have nothing to be sad about” when in fact, I have much to be sad for. SO much change and so many battles I’ve fought my way through in the past year have torn me down, taken so much away from me. I lost weight, I lost strength.
As I broke down on the floor of my shower, in the bottom of my bathtub, a raw, animalistic cry escaped from my lips. This was not me. This was my heart in it’s own sadness telling me that it hurt, I hurt. I laid down on my side, the way I do when I sleep, and I let the hot water caress and cover my body like a security blanket. But still, it did no good.
I was shaking and cold and hurt. This shower wasn’t helping. I was hurting and I was alone and the only person who makes me feel no so alone in the hurtful world is the one who hurt me. I had no one to go to. My friends are trying to help, but I don’t know how to let them help me. I don’t know what to do.
i have never been more proud in my life. or excited or happy or joyous.
or scared. we sat there, crying in each others arms, on my kitchen floor. i promised myself that i wouldn’t cry, telling myself you didn’t deserve that. but, low and behold, i cried. and you were there. and your arms were around me. and we wiped away each others tears and gave each other kisses and held each other fast and close.
you make me so happy and so proud and so excited and so overjoyed and so scared. you are my everything and my one and only and i swear i wont let anything beat us.
i love you and i love you and i love you and i love you and i love you and i love you and i lvoe you and i love you and i love you and i love you.
i sitting here staring at this screen like the words might start spilling from it.
this fuckiong paper is so dumb. like seriously, i can’t write one thing about it. i can put anything into words right now and its driving me fucking crazy.
maybe i am crazy. that sounds a little better.
that explains whats wrong with me.
theres so much wrong with me.
im jealous and protective and scared and crazy and crazy and crazy.
and i don’t even know what to do sometimes anymore.
im scared. and scarred. and confused. and hurt.
and its all so dumb and no one even cares.
i keep reaching out and reaching out and asking and asking and i don’t get any help at all.
but then again, what would i say? how do i begin? where do i begin?
and its all so dumb and no one even cares.
all i want is to sleep. i haven’t slept in two weeks and any sleep i have gotten wasn’t good. i go to bed at night close my eyes and its dark. i don’t know where i am or what i’m doing. then i wake up.
i like the day. its light out and i can see whats approaching me to know if i need to duck and cover.
I’m Katie, I’m 18. I go to college and work at McDonald’s for now. And I’m absolutely, madly in love with Branson, my boyfriend and my one and only.
I don’t have a lot of friends, but a TON of aquiantances. I get along really easily with people, but I guess I just don’t like being around a lot of people at one time. I like little groups-like 4. Four is enough people for me. Me and three other people. Anything else and I just get a little shy.
I’m not brave, but I will try new things. I love trying new foods. Except fish. Fish and anything that swims or floats in water is nasty. I like intimate adeventures. Like getting lost on my way somewhere with my boyfriend or my sister or another close-ish friend. I’m going to Great Britian and Ireland and Paris this summer, pretty big adventure, I think. Kuddos to me!
I feel a lot. Most of the time, when I walk into a room, I can immediately feel what other people are feeling. And it’s really intense. I can be having the best day ever, but if I sit next to a person who is covering up that they’re having a bad day, I can feel it. A lot of people miss what people are actually feeling, they just assume that everything is okay if the person is smiling on the outside. That’s not the case for me, I can totally tell. Because I can feel it. Whenever I’ve tried to describe it to anyone, I tell them it’s like a headache in my heart and like someone punched a hole in my lung. I’ve learned to deal with it a lot better since I was little.
I’m very judgemental. And I think it’s because I trust too easily. And maybe because there are a couple parts of me that I don’t like. Other than that, I think I’m very pretty. I hope that doesn’t sound self-centered. I don’t just judge people’s physical aspects though, I judge their personalities and mannerisms, always wondering why a person is why they are the way they are.
I LOATHE math. LOATHE IT. HATE IT. DESPISE IT. It is the worst subject ever created ever. Ever. EH-VER. I’m bad at it, I don’t understand it, I get made fun of because I’m so bad at it, it’s stupid and I’m never going to need ha;f the stuff these people are trying to teach me.
I over think things way too much. I worry way too much about the smallest things. I turn things over and over and over and over in my mind. I lose sleep because of it. I don’t eat because of it. I get sick because of it.
I miss soccer. Soccer was so much fun for me, I could really stretch my legs and stretch my endurance and my pain tolerance. Being captain my Junior year really gave me a chance to stretch my leadership skills as well. I only started playing 5 years ago and it was only high school seasons, so I’m not incredibly good, just skilled enough to MAYBE make a couple scores, MAYBE.
I don’t really have any hobbies. Although I do LOVE singing and I have a poetic streak in me sometimes. I also like ‘photography’. Studying it, attempting to take unique pictures, etc.
I love kids. So much. I love itty bitty babies, toddlers keep me entertained, elementary kids are fascinating. Middle school-aged kids need to hibernate though. And high school-aged kids just need to figure out their real friends. Other than that, I want kids, God willing. I don’t know how many. Not a ton. 2 or 3 will suffice. Maybe 4 so it’s even.
I practice my handwriting a lot. I write my name over and over and over. I also practice signing my name, but with Branson’s last name. I hope that’s not weird. But I’m very serious about being with him. I would definitely love to marry him one day. Anyway, I’m trying to figure out my handwriting. It doesn’t change drastically all the time, I just try new ways of writing letters and words and phrases. I love words and finding their meanings.
I like history. It’s my passion. Because without history, there would be no today. And I am so thankful for today and for the rights I have and for the country I live in, etc. My favorite focus on history though is the Northwestern European history. It doens’t matter what time period. I love it.
I honestly don’t know why I’ve written this. I guess to tell my 8 followers a little more about me. Funny. 8 followers. I don’t even care how many people follow me. This is my diary I guess. For the world to see, but they don’t even know it.
Je t’aime. Te amo. Ich liebe dich. 我爱你. Mwen renmen ou.
sometimes I think of when we were young. My very first kiss was with you, I share very kiss I have with you now, and I want my very last kiss to be with you. You are my everything, my one and only, the only person I’ve ever fallen in love with. Sure, I love or have loved other people, but in a completely different way. You make my heart melt, burst into fireworks, and skip beats.You make my soul happy.You make me feel safe and at home and warm. You know exactly how to cheer me up, you know how to make me laugh and to make me smile better than anybody else I know. I know it’s not fair, but you even help me carry my baggage and all of the stupid weight I decide to hold on my shoulders.
And I am so proud of you. I’m proud of the man you’re becoming and, as silly as you are, the boy you used to be. I promise to always support you and to take care of you and love you. I know that in the next few years a lot of things are going to change with us going to school and our jobs and all that, but I need you to know that I’ll always be here for you. Always. I am so in love you.